So it's been a looooong summer and quite a while
since I have had a lot to say. That's not really true, I have just been doing a lot of ruminating trying to figure out how to approach all of this. There's really not a good way to break it to anyone....
you don't sound a trumpet, shout, send out engraved cards or post it on Facebook. Even if you try and pick the right moment, or just, say, casually slip it in during appetizers at lunch, there is not a right way to say, " they found something....they are taking my breasts."
BAM! Drama. POW!
But, yea, basically that is what is going on. And that is what they did. And you know what? I worried about how everyone else would react to the information. I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want to act the "wrong" way about the whole thing. And now, down the Rabbit Hole and thru the Door, I look back at some of those worries and I think to myself, "Who WERE you?!" No matter how you act, no matter how you cope, all you have to do is survive it. All you have to do is jump down the Rabbit Hole and LAND......maybe not even on your feet. I don't think I CARE how people feel about how I am dealing with it. When I close the bathroom door and stare in the mirror at FrankenTit and her Evil Twin, it is just me.....no one else. (And in case you haven't guessed, I seem to be using my typical coping technique.....HUMOR. Go figure....)
People who love me are just the same. Some people got angry because I hadn't taken out an ad in the newspaper and they had to hear it second hand.... ? Some people I called friends, even family, well, they weren't. And that hurt at first, but now, I don't miss them. Life is too short. And others that I considered acquaintances, they became like anchors in a storm. People I hadn't talked to in YEARS called to say they were praying.
And I lost a little bit of myself......parts I won't get back...(yes, those too, but I am talking about parts of my BEING....emotional essence, etc.....) But I also met a side of myself that I don't think I knew was in there. I have always been a stickler about personal space and not a hugger or a toucher. Now, I seem to be sieged by the necessity to cement some of the bonds I feel towards others with a potentially germ transferring embrace. WHAM. Where in HADES does THAT come from? I also never realized how much I actually LOVE some people. Oh, my kids, my man, no problem. But sometimes there are "others" worthy of the assignation. I have recently been unable to resist VERBALIZING that tidbit. sheeesh. No one warned me all this would be so HARD.
So now that I am functioning (more or less) I plan to touch base a bit more often and journal a bit about the struggles that come out of lopping the "girls" off and facing mortality. And I plan to do it with humor, cause basically I have a Kelly Clarkson-ridden sound track playing in my subconscious all the time, and just when I thought it wasn't possible, it just gets more and more interesting.
(for those who can't stand suspense - I have a great prognosis. Blessings at every turn. Genetic testing came back negative for BART1, BART2, and BRAC...my girls are as safe as anyone else. :D -- but stay tuned....it's been getting interesting)
