It's been such a long while and honestly, been too busy living to write much ABOUT that living.  Cancer wrecked my immunity and boosted by spirit.  It's been a very tipsy turvy tightwalk dance.  Natalie and Caleb are graduated.  Natalie is engaged.  Ames is 13.  We added a family member, a yellow Lab named Scarlett.  more to come on that I am sure.  There is such a spirit of transformation going on where once my pond was stagnant.  There were some very questioning deep pit moments but they have passed and the light came back on.  Hopefully I will be able to catch folks up soon.

My Strange Addiction

My Strange Addiction

I have a shameful secret.  I’m far too old for such a thing, and though I know….I just KNOW there have to be others out there who share my vice, I have yet to meet anyone my age that is vocal about it.  Or as passionate and genuine with the confession of it, if they are brave enough to claim their deep dark secret. 

Many many women won’t understand.  They are too upstanding….they are too focused on motherhood or their careers.  It isn't fashionable.  Or they SAY they understand, because they can admit that they succumbed for a while, but they just don’t get it anymore, and give me that look….the side eye.  This preoccupation has passed, along with their youth.

 The strength of my addiction occasionally even catches ME by surprise.  But I have never even considered trying to repent.  I will never be able to break what binds me.  And I fully admit that the time I dedicate to my habit is what perpetuates my bondage.  But after my very first introduction, I knew I would NEVER be the same and my life was unavoidably changed.

I think it is the rush, or maybe the anticipation.  There are entire days that it is all I can think about.  I cannot focus, just knowing that each minute that passes brings me closer to my high.  And it never ever gets old.  And unlike other dependencies, there is no built up tolerance. 

The tiniest bit takes me straight to the top.  It you have never felt it, you cannot understand.  But there is NOTHING like it.  Increased heartbeat.  Colors and sounds and sensations are suddenly more vivid.  And everything mundane and negative…everything fatiguing, washes away in a second.  And time stands still, and everything is perfect for that moment in time.

Yes, it’s a deep dark secret, and no one seems to talk about it or even acknowledge its existence.  But I have come to terms with the fact that I will never shake the need.  I just can’t seem to help it. 

Please don’t judge me: 

 I am in love with my husband.

New Beginnings

New Beginnings

(or...hindsight's 20/20)

We have January 2014 under our belts.  Yay.  It feels like an accomplishment after last year's roller coaster ride.  But I do want to go on record as saying that I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions.  No way.  I DO believe that we can turn a page though, and that we can put a mark on a blank slate.  But, if we wait for a particular date to make a significant change, then we risk insincerity.  

Change and reconstruction are things that happen every day.

Every minute.

So I don't have a resolution to share, but I might admit to having a new focus in my greater plan.  I am getting more real with each passing moment.  It's starting with being more unashamedly honest-with everyone.  This includes myself.  And that incorporates a cease fire on my barrage of apologies.  Everyone who knows me at ALL has experienced the never-ending "sorry."  Always genuine, always sincere.  I am sorry I wasn't more direct.  I am sorry I didn't think of that.  I am sorry it is raining....I am sorry....sorry....sorry.....

I have charted it carefully, like any ongoing illness, and I am certain it is a side effect of the ultra polite, uber compassionate, terminally proper southern girl programming that was inflicted on me beginning in utero.  Bless my heart.

So I am done being sorry, and I am done being ashamed of my reality.  I will not be apologetic for who I am any longer.  That being said, we shall commence upon an ongoing revelation of confessions....some titillating, some painfully obvious, and some quite entertaining....at least I hope.  So buckle up.  I have. 





  

Sorrow and Glory



Last month, I turned 40.  And I have looked forward to it for some time.  Six months ago, I stopped living in fear and started surviving.

Losses and gains.  Sorrow and glory.

That's kind of indicative of life's ultimate course: both sides of the coin-joy through pain.  Everything brings a lesson, and my 39th year taught me that we are the sum of our parts, so it is okay to fall to pieces.

I have the perseverance of a Richardson.

I have the confidence of a Mills.

I have the Bailey spirit

and I love like a Garrison.

And I guess those things determine what I bring to the Poyner family. 

But I wasn't always as in touch with the fractious side of humanity.  At 28 I decided that no one was playing fair, so I took my toys and left the party.  Truly, I vacated the life I had been bricking together for the better part of my 3 decades.  In hindsight, I guess that is not a fair statement, because 'vacating' led me to realize that I had not been building anything.  I had simply been letting life settle around me....like sediment.  And it was unstable, like sand.

So I moved on, found a worthy foundation and only THEN did I begin to brick something together.  The first evidence of edifice.  And it was finally something to claim.

So when last summer hit, and my own body threatened to take all that away from me, I didn't even consider allowing that to happen.  I set my sights on 40 and made a beeline.  Now everyday is a celebration of what I have, and what I could have lost.  Today, I will take getting older above the alternative.  I am not quite done making my mark.

The Lion and the Scarecrow

The Lion and the Scarecrow or Courage and Wisdom
(and how to tell the difference...)

Here is a little secret only survivors know.  People are applauded for their courage when they progress thru some trial......but here's the rub:

This is something only experience can tell someone.  You cannot know it until you are dealing with something monumental.

  Survival isn't heroic and it is NOT courage.  It is simply perseverance.  You don't get a choice but to put one foot in front of the other.  You just keep waking up every morning.  That is all there is to it.  And some days, that is about ALL you can do.  The strength comes from knowing that if the worst happens, and you have to leave your family and friends, it is to wait for them to join you later - when you have the joy of being the one to stand beside Him and greet them.  And that is the secret to survivial.  It isn't courage.....it is knowledge.  Knowledge in that Something and that Somewhere that is bigger than all of us.

So do not call it bravery, call it faith.

All my Eggs in One Basket

Alot of people have asked me what the scariest part about breast cancer is.  I know the answer might seem obvious to a LOT of people.  But honestly, for me, it wasn't the fear of dying.  Or even of getting really sick and suffering and dying.

I believe it God.  And I believe in something, and someplace else, after, that is WAY bigger than me.  So I didn't so much fear an "end."  What I was afraid of was what I would leave behind.

When all this started, my two oldest children had claimed salvation, but my baby had not.  She was too young.  Many parents will say that the happiest day of their lives was when their children were born.  Not me.  I am a big picture kinda gal.  The best days of MY life were when my kids were REBORN.  I am thrilled they are here, do not get me wrong.  But my ultimate goal is to get them to the hereafter so I can enjoy them forever.

So the scariest part was leaving one baby unsecured in the Big World.

Cancer, Easter, and some very teary discussions about lying led her to confess and claim Jesus as her Way.  Talk about dancing out loud!  That was the happiest thing that came out of all this.  Security for her soul.

But then I had another fear.  One most people may not even consider.  Through faults of mine and others, I have a blended family.  My two oldest children were fathered by my ex-husband.  My youngest is the product of my current and last marriage.  My husband has raised all three of my kids and loves them unconditionally. 

My ex has little contact with my older kids and doesn't get involved with the day to day.  While he loves them, my husband is the participating day to day parent.

SO this is my nightmare:  I die.  I leave my children and they are suddenly separated.  The older two are reclaimed by the absent father and moved far away.  They are uprooted and stolen from the home they love, their security, their school, the Daddy who loves them, and their baby sister.  What can I do about that?  How can I let that happen?  I can't.  I won't.  That was my greatest fear.  And it led me to think about how easily we give up on things and dissolve relationships.  How we expect our children to adapt to whatever we throw at them.

In hindsight, I would not have stayed in my previous marriage.  I would not have denied my children the parenting of my current husband either.  I can honestly look back on all my decisions with no regrets and say that I did what was best.  But I also never planned on having to face mortality when my kids were all still minors, and at the mercy of our legal system should I expire.

SO I decided for now, it would probably just be best if I lived. My kids have to have each other.  They have to have the privilege of making one another miserable on a daily basis.  No other option seems......viable.  :)

Clean Cups........

It's funny to me how once you hit a certain age, you kinda feel like you have it down.  For the most part, even the surprises don't really throw you, because you have learned enough out of life by now to have a pattern of response.  There are basic rules, and once learned, you can apply them to the situation and go on.  You have learned to maintain a pace.  You have a pattern, you have WISDOM.

This age is different for everyone.  It comes out of maturity, experience, and yes, chronological age.  Semantics.  For me, this was early in my 30's.  I am definitely not claiming to have obtained a mastery of life or its lessons, I am just saying, that by the time I was, say, 32 or so that I had learned to take life in stride.  Most people know who they are by then, and what they want.

However......

Sometimes something happens that rocks your world to the extent that you are permanently altered.  You don't recognize yourself and all the rules have changed.  This is rare, thank goodness.  And when it does happen, I have observed it usually is the result of some NEGATIVE event.  Someone is widowed.  They are never the same.  Someone loses their job and their marriage.  They are never the same.  Someone gets cancer.  I will never be the same.  Oh the horror.....

Old dogs and new tricks.  Yes, it isn't easy but it can be done.  The old you has to shake hands with the new you and figure out how to live in the same domicile.  People raise their eyebrows because your time tested age old responses are suddenly replaced with the unexpected.  You don't even know what you feel or think at times.  And at first, when I realized how different I was, I was very angry.  I was awkward and uncomfortable.  It reminded me of becoming a teenager and trying to get to know myself.  And it didn't feel fair.

But I am starting to think it is a blessing.  It is a rare opportunity to change the things I have learned to accept as my weaknesses.  Or my hardnesses.  Pick your poison.  Not many grown adults get the opportunity to embrace a total change in demeanor.  And if given the choice, I am sure most would try to avoid it.  I didn't choose it and I WOULD have run from it.  But now that it is here, why can't it be the unique opportunity to get up from our spot at the table, look at what we have been served, and pull a Mad Hatter?

Clean cups clean cups move down move down......

I think I want to see what's waiting further down.  It just might suit me better.......