The Lion and the Scarecrow

The Lion and the Scarecrow or Courage and Wisdom
(and how to tell the difference...)

Here is a little secret only survivors know.  People are applauded for their courage when they progress thru some trial......but here's the rub:

This is something only experience can tell someone.  You cannot know it until you are dealing with something monumental.

  Survival isn't heroic and it is NOT courage.  It is simply perseverance.  You don't get a choice but to put one foot in front of the other.  You just keep waking up every morning.  That is all there is to it.  And some days, that is about ALL you can do.  The strength comes from knowing that if the worst happens, and you have to leave your family and friends, it is to wait for them to join you later - when you have the joy of being the one to stand beside Him and greet them.  And that is the secret to survivial.  It isn't courage.....it is knowledge.  Knowledge in that Something and that Somewhere that is bigger than all of us.

So do not call it bravery, call it faith.

All my Eggs in One Basket

Alot of people have asked me what the scariest part about breast cancer is.  I know the answer might seem obvious to a LOT of people.  But honestly, for me, it wasn't the fear of dying.  Or even of getting really sick and suffering and dying.

I believe it God.  And I believe in something, and someplace else, after, that is WAY bigger than me.  So I didn't so much fear an "end."  What I was afraid of was what I would leave behind.

When all this started, my two oldest children had claimed salvation, but my baby had not.  She was too young.  Many parents will say that the happiest day of their lives was when their children were born.  Not me.  I am a big picture kinda gal.  The best days of MY life were when my kids were REBORN.  I am thrilled they are here, do not get me wrong.  But my ultimate goal is to get them to the hereafter so I can enjoy them forever.

So the scariest part was leaving one baby unsecured in the Big World.

Cancer, Easter, and some very teary discussions about lying led her to confess and claim Jesus as her Way.  Talk about dancing out loud!  That was the happiest thing that came out of all this.  Security for her soul.

But then I had another fear.  One most people may not even consider.  Through faults of mine and others, I have a blended family.  My two oldest children were fathered by my ex-husband.  My youngest is the product of my current and last marriage.  My husband has raised all three of my kids and loves them unconditionally. 

My ex has little contact with my older kids and doesn't get involved with the day to day.  While he loves them, my husband is the participating day to day parent.

SO this is my nightmare:  I die.  I leave my children and they are suddenly separated.  The older two are reclaimed by the absent father and moved far away.  They are uprooted and stolen from the home they love, their security, their school, the Daddy who loves them, and their baby sister.  What can I do about that?  How can I let that happen?  I can't.  I won't.  That was my greatest fear.  And it led me to think about how easily we give up on things and dissolve relationships.  How we expect our children to adapt to whatever we throw at them.

In hindsight, I would not have stayed in my previous marriage.  I would not have denied my children the parenting of my current husband either.  I can honestly look back on all my decisions with no regrets and say that I did what was best.  But I also never planned on having to face mortality when my kids were all still minors, and at the mercy of our legal system should I expire.

SO I decided for now, it would probably just be best if I lived. My kids have to have each other.  They have to have the privilege of making one another miserable on a daily basis.  No other option seems......viable.  :)

Clean Cups........

It's funny to me how once you hit a certain age, you kinda feel like you have it down.  For the most part, even the surprises don't really throw you, because you have learned enough out of life by now to have a pattern of response.  There are basic rules, and once learned, you can apply them to the situation and go on.  You have learned to maintain a pace.  You have a pattern, you have WISDOM.

This age is different for everyone.  It comes out of maturity, experience, and yes, chronological age.  Semantics.  For me, this was early in my 30's.  I am definitely not claiming to have obtained a mastery of life or its lessons, I am just saying, that by the time I was, say, 32 or so that I had learned to take life in stride.  Most people know who they are by then, and what they want.

However......

Sometimes something happens that rocks your world to the extent that you are permanently altered.  You don't recognize yourself and all the rules have changed.  This is rare, thank goodness.  And when it does happen, I have observed it usually is the result of some NEGATIVE event.  Someone is widowed.  They are never the same.  Someone loses their job and their marriage.  They are never the same.  Someone gets cancer.  I will never be the same.  Oh the horror.....

Old dogs and new tricks.  Yes, it isn't easy but it can be done.  The old you has to shake hands with the new you and figure out how to live in the same domicile.  People raise their eyebrows because your time tested age old responses are suddenly replaced with the unexpected.  You don't even know what you feel or think at times.  And at first, when I realized how different I was, I was very angry.  I was awkward and uncomfortable.  It reminded me of becoming a teenager and trying to get to know myself.  And it didn't feel fair.

But I am starting to think it is a blessing.  It is a rare opportunity to change the things I have learned to accept as my weaknesses.  Or my hardnesses.  Pick your poison.  Not many grown adults get the opportunity to embrace a total change in demeanor.  And if given the choice, I am sure most would try to avoid it.  I didn't choose it and I WOULD have run from it.  But now that it is here, why can't it be the unique opportunity to get up from our spot at the table, look at what we have been served, and pull a Mad Hatter?

Clean cups clean cups move down move down......

I think I want to see what's waiting further down.  It just might suit me better.......