All my Eggs in One Basket

Alot of people have asked me what the scariest part about breast cancer is.  I know the answer might seem obvious to a LOT of people.  But honestly, for me, it wasn't the fear of dying.  Or even of getting really sick and suffering and dying.

I believe it God.  And I believe in something, and someplace else, after, that is WAY bigger than me.  So I didn't so much fear an "end."  What I was afraid of was what I would leave behind.

When all this started, my two oldest children had claimed salvation, but my baby had not.  She was too young.  Many parents will say that the happiest day of their lives was when their children were born.  Not me.  I am a big picture kinda gal.  The best days of MY life were when my kids were REBORN.  I am thrilled they are here, do not get me wrong.  But my ultimate goal is to get them to the hereafter so I can enjoy them forever.

So the scariest part was leaving one baby unsecured in the Big World.

Cancer, Easter, and some very teary discussions about lying led her to confess and claim Jesus as her Way.  Talk about dancing out loud!  That was the happiest thing that came out of all this.  Security for her soul.

But then I had another fear.  One most people may not even consider.  Through faults of mine and others, I have a blended family.  My two oldest children were fathered by my ex-husband.  My youngest is the product of my current and last marriage.  My husband has raised all three of my kids and loves them unconditionally. 

My ex has little contact with my older kids and doesn't get involved with the day to day.  While he loves them, my husband is the participating day to day parent.

SO this is my nightmare:  I die.  I leave my children and they are suddenly separated.  The older two are reclaimed by the absent father and moved far away.  They are uprooted and stolen from the home they love, their security, their school, the Daddy who loves them, and their baby sister.  What can I do about that?  How can I let that happen?  I can't.  I won't.  That was my greatest fear.  And it led me to think about how easily we give up on things and dissolve relationships.  How we expect our children to adapt to whatever we throw at them.

In hindsight, I would not have stayed in my previous marriage.  I would not have denied my children the parenting of my current husband either.  I can honestly look back on all my decisions with no regrets and say that I did what was best.  But I also never planned on having to face mortality when my kids were all still minors, and at the mercy of our legal system should I expire.

SO I decided for now, it would probably just be best if I lived. My kids have to have each other.  They have to have the privilege of making one another miserable on a daily basis.  No other option seems......viable.  :)