My Strange Addiction

My Strange Addiction

I have a shameful secret.  I’m far too old for such a thing, and though I know….I just KNOW there have to be others out there who share my vice, I have yet to meet anyone my age that is vocal about it.  Or as passionate and genuine with the confession of it, if they are brave enough to claim their deep dark secret. 

Many many women won’t understand.  They are too upstanding….they are too focused on motherhood or their careers.  It isn't fashionable.  Or they SAY they understand, because they can admit that they succumbed for a while, but they just don’t get it anymore, and give me that look….the side eye.  This preoccupation has passed, along with their youth.

 The strength of my addiction occasionally even catches ME by surprise.  But I have never even considered trying to repent.  I will never be able to break what binds me.  And I fully admit that the time I dedicate to my habit is what perpetuates my bondage.  But after my very first introduction, I knew I would NEVER be the same and my life was unavoidably changed.

I think it is the rush, or maybe the anticipation.  There are entire days that it is all I can think about.  I cannot focus, just knowing that each minute that passes brings me closer to my high.  And it never ever gets old.  And unlike other dependencies, there is no built up tolerance. 

The tiniest bit takes me straight to the top.  It you have never felt it, you cannot understand.  But there is NOTHING like it.  Increased heartbeat.  Colors and sounds and sensations are suddenly more vivid.  And everything mundane and negative…everything fatiguing, washes away in a second.  And time stands still, and everything is perfect for that moment in time.

Yes, it’s a deep dark secret, and no one seems to talk about it or even acknowledge its existence.  But I have come to terms with the fact that I will never shake the need.  I just can’t seem to help it. 

Please don’t judge me: 

 I am in love with my husband.